I love first-timers to the blog. Their responses are so different. Some of you send me messages telling me that you completely understand. You too are an awkward single female or a disenchanted 9 to 5-er. You express thankfulness for the camaraderie in the battle! Others send helpful critiques. I heard you were funnier. I don’t think you meant to use that verse. I would change the word in paragraph 2. Thanks for that, by the way. And then… some of you read and try to fix me.
Which, I don't actually mind because let's be honest, I am awkward. I have embraced this fact after a lifetime of people explaining to me that I am, as if I didn’t already know, awkward. I am also open, honest, and truthful. I realize that vulnerability, especially vulnerability to the cyber-world, is odd for most people. We are taught to not over share, to keep our sad depressing thoughts inside and always put our best foot forward. My mama used to say that southern girls always left food on their plate, meaning, no matter how hungry we were, we had to look proper and delicate. In response, I would say, I'd rather be a full yankee than a hungry polite southerner. Give me bread! Connection, I do not hide my flaws, I am not afraid of you discovering my inadequacies and I, by no means, care if you see me at my worst. I also really like pizza and if it has olives, I CANNOT stop eating.
People that are uncomfortable with transparency and vulnerability make me feel more awkward. They read my blog as if it is a secret cry for help! Which is crazy, because I have a huge mouth, and therefore keep very few secrets. In my 32 years, I have learned to at least (semi) filter my typed published work. Of course, there are still plenty of things I say out loud that I wish I could take back, but as Meg Ryan taught us all, once it's out there, there is no taking it back. Basically what I am saying is, if you think I am too open on my blog, hang out with me in real life when I don’t have a filter or a “Publish” button. It will make you feel a lot less awkward about what I have thoughtfully published on my blog.
Over the years, I have learned a few secrets to life. Number 1, vulnerability breeds vulnerability. The average person is going crazy inside the walls of their own existence. They have believed the lie that they shouldn’t “over share!” Their deepest desire is for someone to know the good and the terrible, and to still love them, BUT they have been taught to hide the ugly and project the pretty. Although writing is cathartic, I am not vulnerable to satisfy my own needs. I choose to expose my weaknesses because I believe this is what the world needs. I show you my brokenness so you will feel safe to share your own broken heart. I show you my awkwardness because... I honestly can't help it. I think it is wired in my DNA.
Secret Number 2, Humanity can never save you. It is no secret that all humans will let you down, including yourself. One reason I am open about my brokenness, is to keep others from looking to me for salvation. We are all broken, flawed, and sinful. Humanity's inability to save themselves is the very reason we have to look to God for salvation. So, if you are looking for a Savior, look up, but… if you are looking for a comrade in the battle, I got your back.
My last secret for the day (because if you aren’t getting it, I don’t like secrets), my twin sister is pregnant with her first baby. On (approximately) May 5th, I will finally be able to answer the question, “Do you feel each other’s pain?” If the answer is yes, I also felt a giant baby’s head rip through my body, whelp, you better buckle your seatbelt because this blog is about to get WAY more transparent.