6 months ago. I flew to India for my friend’s wedding. We took a weekend trip. If you have never taken a weekend trip from the US to India, let me fill you in, it is brutal, hilarious and mind boggling. My plan was to go back to work the very next day, but upon waking up, I realized my body was physically unable to function. My jet lag gave me something that I am not accustomed to having, a free day. It was that free day that changed the trajectory of my life.
The Half-hatched Idea. I spent the morning of my free day at a coffee shop attempting to reflect on my journey. Mostly I coddled a cup of coffee publicly and made failed attempts to coherently string sentences together. After a day of struggling, I hit my spurt around 4am. It was at a 4am, that I hatched a plan to present to God. I decided to apply to graduate school, again. I was willing to apply to a Master’s in Social Work program IF it was ranked top 10, had a concentration in mental health, and was closer to the guy that I was dating, just logical.
5 months ago. I found 1 program that met my criteria, so I decided to apply. I had 2 weeks to meet the application deadline, so it seemed unlikely that I would get in, but since I made such an amazing 4am plan, I rushed to submit my application.
4 months ago. I flew to Rome to spend time with one of my dearest friends, Courtney Rose. (I know that at this point you are super jealous of my life, which is cool because that doesn’t normally happen). After 2 weeks of eating only pizza and pasta, I flew back. This time my jet lag was aided by discovering that I got into the graduate program.
3 months ago. Although I wasn’t certain it was/is the right decision, it only cost $200 to accept, so… I accepted the graduate program. As we all know, I CANNOT keep secrets and the possibility of leaving my job to return to school was plaguing my soul. To quiet my conscience, I told my boss and her boss and her boss’s boss about the possibility of my leaving to return to school and fulfill my 4am half-hatched plan. It got real.
2 months ago. I found this month to be uneventful and anti-climactic. I did meet my boyfriend’s friends which went as could be expected, with me experiencing a mild panic attack where I ended our relationship, and then took it back. I also spent a weekend driving 20 hours round trip to attend a family reunion.
1 month ago. I ended my relationship again, and then took it back, again. (It is unclear why he is still dating me). I also went to the beach which is my safe place.
2 days ago. I cried leaving the safety of my commune. I said goodbye to my job that I love, my friends, my family (which includes lots of friends who have become family), my nieces, and my dog. I got in my Honda Fit and drove to St. Louis to fulfill a half-hatched 4am jet lagged plan, and move in with a girl I have never officially met.
And that is how it all happened. If you are confused by why I quit my job, accepted debt, moved to a different time zone, and started ANOTHER graduate program, so am I. I have no clue what I am doing or if what I am doing is the right thing to do.
There is one passage of scripture that has been the backdrop for my current decision making, the parable of the talents (Matthew 25:14-30). In this parable, 3 servants were entrusted with different amounts of money to oversee while their manager was on a journey. After a longtime, the manager returned to settle accounts with his servants. Two servants invested the money they were given and doubled their master’s earnings. Those two servants risked losing everything in order to possibly increase their master’s earnings. Upon his return, their master praised those 2 servants for their risk. The third servant was scared and buried his money. Upon the master’s return, this servant was rebuked for his inaction.
I realize that following through with a half-hatched 4am plan may be unwise, impractical and perhaps even a terrible mistake. Although I have more questions than I have answers, more bills than I have money, my master has entrusted me with certain talents and resources. I know it sounds like I am just making careless hippie decisions. I have decided not to bury my resources by clinging to the life I love, but rather to take all I have been given and invest for a better kingdom return. I am willing to make mistakes, lose all that I have, in order that I might increase the return for my master.
You may think I am making a terrible life decision, but before you tell me how I am making a mistake, ask yourself what Christ has called you to risk for the possibility of a better kingdom return. It may very well be that God will use a half-hatched 4am plan to change the trajectory of your life.
I deleted social media to keep the government from stealing my soul. Since I am “off the grid” I have decided to post deeply personal pictures on my super accessible blog.
Living the dream!