Angus, Thongs and My First Snogging

Snogging means kissing in England (head out of the gutters people)

The wonderfully dramatic pre-teen novel "Angus, Thongs and Full Frontal Snogging"as well as its awesome movie adaptation "Angus, Thongs and Perfect Snogging" are to credit for this next extremely vulnerable post about a hypothetical 12-year-old we shall call Whitney.

Once upon a time, Whitney was an awkward brace faced frizzy headed 12-year-old girl.  While the rest of her friends were busy dating and exploring their new pre-teen sexuality, Whitney was content to spend her time writing morbid poetry, sleeping with her teddy bear, and dying her hair with Kool-Aid. I would say that despite all these things  she had a good personality, but Whitney tended to have a bit of an attitude problem. So... it came as a shock to everyone when the coolest Bad A at her middle school asked her out!!! Yes, awkward brace face was asked out. (In case you are no longer up-to-date with middle school lingo being asked out simply means you are now in a committed relationship where you talk on the phone twice a week, and never speak in public. It is a big deal).

Whitney handled her newfound relationship commitments with ease, managing to have 4 phone conversations in 2 weeks with her new boyfriend.  Things were getting serious. Two weeks means one thing for a blossoming pre-teen relationship, it was time for 7th grade consummation, the kiss.  The big day was set for Whitney's 13th birthday party. All her friends had arrived. Because Whitney went to the worst school ever, most of her friends had arrived high on a mixture of over-the-counter medicine, and were giggling in Whitney's bedroom.  The more sober of her friends were in corners around the yard making out with their significant others, because, once again, worst middle school ever! Whitney knew the moment was coming; however, she was doing everything she could to stay busy and avoid the imminent first kiss doom.

But she could not avoid forever. Whitney accidentally passed her school's own mean girl, Ashley.  "Hey Whitney," Ashley yelled so everyone could hear. "I heard you and Bad A haven't kissed yet?" her tone changing to disgust. Everyone stopped their own make-out sessions to look up at the scene Ashley was making. "Well, I, uh, we..." Whitney mumbled. "Why not just get it over with," Ashley yelled as she grabbed Bad A from amongst the onlookers. Ashley then took Whitney and Bad A by the arms and pulled them to sit on either side of her.  Before Whitney could fight back, Ashley took both her and Bad A by their necks and shoved their heads together with a clunk.  It was a blur but next thing Whitney knew Bad A was attempting to stick his tongue in her mouth! "EWWWWWW" she shrieked without even thinking! "He put his tongue in my mouth!!!" 

Silence.  Everyone was staring at Whitney in utter shock. Hmm, so maybe tongue in the mouth was normal.  Not knowing how to escape the mixed looks of empathy and shock, Whitney ran away. (If you are imagining along don't forget the braces and frizzy Kool Aid dyed hair). Whitney hid curled up in her mother's bed, the only room without any of her high giggly friends.  "My life cannot get any worse" Whitney thought. But only moments later, she was proven wrong, as she heard Bad A's best friend yelling down the hall towards her mother's room, "Hey Whitney, Bad A doesn't want to date you anymore."  

Whitney then either A. (Whose real name is actually Whitley) married Dwayne Wayne and lived happily ever after, or B. Ended up, 17 years later, living alone with her teddy bear writing modern morbid poetry... a blog.