Life's Not Fair

I was so nervous the day of our first date that I couldn’t eat or sleep and my hands had this slight involuntary shake. We had been best friends for so long, and I was petrified this would ruin everything.  I was also scared because of how much I liked him and how right it all felt. I remember making it through the evening with minimal embarrassment, and although I still needed a bottle of tums, my stomach had not completely rebelled against me. As we walked back to our apartment complex, he stopped me, looked straight into my eyes, and said, “Let’s just get married. We’re already friends, and we’re great together!”

“Too soon!” I laughed, “We can’t get married after one date!”

“Ok then, second date?” he said in a playful flirty tone.

“A second date,” I affirmed laughing.

And that is how our relationship went. Every day he asked me to marry him, and every day I would tell him to slow down. He would paint pictures of our future and give me tentative timelines of when and where it would all happen. I would always take the obligatory stance of caution, but secretly I also dreamed of a future together.  I loved him. I loved us.

A few months into our picture perfect relationship he broke-up with me because he wasn’t in an emotional place for a serious relationship. I was heartbroken but ready and willing to wait it out. I loved him. Within a couple months I was informed that my sweet friend was dating a girl he later went on to marry. Anger and devastation filled my soul in ways I had never experienced before.

It wasn’t fair.

I was the one trying to guard my heart while he kept begging me to move faster. I was the one screwed over, and he was the one getting married. 

It wasn’t fair.

It has been three years since my friend broke my heart. In that time my heart has healed and been hurt many times over. I have watched other friends experience similar heartbreak, and eventually come to the same conclusion... it wasn't fair!  The more life I experience the less fair it seems.  It is not fair that the slacker got promoted while you continued to do their work, or that everything worked out perfectly for the friend who walked away from Jesus, while you, who remained faithful, experienced theft, joblessness, and death.

 It isn't fair.

As I am preparing to go to Cambodia on a short –term mission trip, I can’t help but think how it’s not fair that I grew up in America, while Cambodian children were growing up in a war-torn country praying for life's basic necessities.  It doesn’t seem fair that while I am complaining about the bitterness of my blonde roast coffee, people across the world are being sold into forced prostitution. As I am searching for a job and home, I am struck with how unfair it is that I can choose to live in safe areas, while others have no choice but to grow up in the projects surrounded by competing gangs and drug dealers. It is not fair that the color of my skin grants me power and privilege, but different skin colors receive skepticism and accusations.

Life is definitely not fair.

I have been given so much that I do not deserve. I have received so much that I did not earn.  I don’t deserve the grace and mercy purchased for me by Christ’s sacrificial death. It is not fair that I should reap the benefits earned by His sufferings. I don’t know why me over someone else, but I do know that instead of complaining about the wrongs that have been done to me, I want to start living to correct the wrongs done to others.  I am so humbled that God would let me be a part of sharing his undeserved, unearned, love with others.  It doesn’t seem fair, that the Savior of the world would ever consider using a sinner like me.