Big Pimpin: Props to a Pimp
I have always considered Joseph my favorite Old Testament character. He is honorable, holy, and HOT. I realize since he lived before the days of cameras, I have no idea what he actually looked like, but in my mind, the man is beautiful. You can't do that much manual labor and not be built.
Despite my weird loyalty and attraction to Joseph, today on the train, whilst listening to a heated debate about Kevin Hart, I felt drawn to the stories of Jacob, who now oddly has taken the form of Kevin Hart in my imagination.
From birth, Jacob's life was a bit of a mess. For starters, his parents named him Cheater (which is translated Jacob), and named his twin brother Hairy, translated Esau. What were Hairy and Cheater's parents thinking; were they drunk when they named their children? No one knows. It seems only too obvious that Cheater eventually tricked his brother, Hairy, out of his inheritance and then frantically fled the scene, narrowly missing the bloody-thirsty wrath of his hairy brother.
Cheater escaped far away to the home of his estranged uncle, where he then fell madly in love with his cousin, Rachel. Cheater worked seven years to earn his beautiful cousin's hand in marriage, but on the wedding night his uncle cheats the Cheater by playing an ole switcheroo. Guised as her coveted sister, Jacob's older uglier cousin, Leah, is sent into the marriage tent where Jacob unknowingly consummates the marriage. An unlikely tale, but you must remember these were the days without overhead lighting. Perhaps the girls were blessed with similar bodies, but drastically different faces. I'd like to think my man would know the difference between me and my sister, even in the dark, but I'd also like to think I had a man.
Anyway, to fix this terrible mistake of making an ugly woman his wife, Jacob decides to still marry his coveted love, making Rachel his second wife, and proving that Jacob knew nothing about women. The sisters then start having a war of the womb that can only be won by calling in reinforcements. Jacob ends up with 4 baby mamas, more kids than you can count and a whole bunch of livestock. Jacob is obviously the first accredited historical pimp, to whom all other pimps must give props. Eventually he takes his now huge family back to the land that God promised. On his journey he ends up in a wrestling match with God. In this historical battle God touches Jacob's hip knocking it out of socket and giving Jacob a forever limp. He then commemorates this battle by changing his cheating name to Israel, wrestling with God.
Despite my weird loyalty and attraction to Joseph, today on the train, whilst listening to a heated debate about Kevin Hart, I felt drawn to the stories of Jacob, who now oddly has taken the form of Kevin Hart in my imagination.
From birth, Jacob's life was a bit of a mess. For starters, his parents named him Cheater (which is translated Jacob), and named his twin brother Hairy, translated Esau. What were Hairy and Cheater's parents thinking; were they drunk when they named their children? No one knows. It seems only too obvious that Cheater eventually tricked his brother, Hairy, out of his inheritance and then frantically fled the scene, narrowly missing the bloody-thirsty wrath of his hairy brother.
Cheater escaped far away to the home of his estranged uncle, where he then fell madly in love with his cousin, Rachel. Cheater worked seven years to earn his beautiful cousin's hand in marriage, but on the wedding night his uncle cheats the Cheater by playing an ole switcheroo. Guised as her coveted sister, Jacob's older uglier cousin, Leah, is sent into the marriage tent where Jacob unknowingly consummates the marriage. An unlikely tale, but you must remember these were the days without overhead lighting. Perhaps the girls were blessed with similar bodies, but drastically different faces. I'd like to think my man would know the difference between me and my sister, even in the dark, but I'd also like to think I had a man.
Anyway, to fix this terrible mistake of making an ugly woman his wife, Jacob decides to still marry his coveted love, making Rachel his second wife, and proving that Jacob knew nothing about women. The sisters then start having a war of the womb that can only be won by calling in reinforcements. Jacob ends up with 4 baby mamas, more kids than you can count and a whole bunch of livestock. Jacob is obviously the first accredited historical pimp, to whom all other pimps must give props. Eventually he takes his now huge family back to the land that God promised. On his journey he ends up in a wrestling match with God. In this historical battle God touches Jacob's hip knocking it out of socket and giving Jacob a forever limp. He then commemorates this battle by changing his cheating name to Israel, wrestling with God.
In Conclusion: I am still reading Genesis, Joseph is still hot, and Jacob is obviously a Pimp with a noticeable limp.
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