These Are My Confessions, Pt. 1 (White girl remix)

I have been keeping a secret, and since that is something I am not used to, I have also been avoiding the blog, my online diary. Today, I want to come clean. As always, to get in the right mindset I recommend heading to your closest hippy coffee shop and playing Marc Broussard’s S.O.S album on Spotify or Youtube (your preference). Now time to come clean. Let’s start from the beginning.

In 2008, I moved to Chicago, an innocent, bright eyed and bushy tailed, southern, naïve, Christian white girl who wanted to save the world.  After two years, I realized that the world wasn’t looking for any more idealistic white girls with IPhones and Starbuck’s lattes to come and save them. 

Chicago was the first time I was ever a minority, and as the minority, the conversation changed. All of a sudden I was invited to the brown table.  My experiences in Chicago birthed my passion for diversity, my heart for the marginalized and my desire to fight for gospel-justice (distinctly different from justice). My experience in Chicago also gave me a new appreciation for brown beauty, which is the next part of my confession.

In 2010, while still in Chicago, I was speaking with a mission’s professor about my AMAZING, loud, fun, crazy family. His response: Is there anything that God could call you to that would cause your family to turn against you? Of course Not!

A few days of soul-searching later, “perhaps, marry a black man.”

Over the past 7 years, that conversation has never left my mind. It was sort of freeing, giving me an appreciation for a rainbow of masculine beauty. I “Stella got her groove back”ed with a young dorky white kid (PG version), went on a single date with a Jamaal (his name has 3 A’s and he was 2 hours late -hence 1 date), fell in love with a Nigerian sweaty beauty, and dated a Puerto Rican ex-rapper. I can proudly say, I am an equal opportunity employer regardless of race, age, or height.  And… also regardless of the race, age or height of the men I date, I am an equal opportunity destroyer. What can I say- I have issues!

Now for the confession: For the past 4 months I have been dating a very dark man (not the confession).    Despite my reputation of not having a filter, I was suddenly terrified of what “you” might think. I realized that it is more socially acceptable for me to date an international or a light-skinned brother than to bring home a dark African American man who used to play collegiate football. In the guise of wisdom, I decided to avoid unnecessary drama by just keeping it on the DL until I knew if things were going to work out. I didn’t want black girls to think I was another cliché, I didn’t want to cause discomfort with any family members, and I didn’t want to let this guy in emotionally, unless I knew it was going to last.

Similar to the rest of American society, I set a standard for this man that I would have never set for his white counterpart. It wasn’t fair and it wasn’t the gospel. I am confessing to you today, that despite my tirades against racism and injustice, I am a hypocrite. Despite my desire to put God above everything, I have spent 4 months wrestling more with your opinion than His.  

The gospel is not a one-stop shop. Every day the gospel should be wrecking us, in the most beautiful way. The Lord sees the secret thoughts of our heart and the secret sins that we hide from even ourselves (Hebrews 4:12-13). Today, I sit in His grace,  mercy and the freedom purchased by His blood. “It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery (Gal 5:1).”

“It’s not one or the other- it’s hard truth and ridiculous grace to be loved by you.”

PS: I have not reached some new found emotional maturity. Rather I am processing things after they are over.